|
|
Friday, April 13th, 2001
|
2:01a - I hate this.
Goddammit.
Its 2am, I'm trying to get to sleep early 'cuz I've got shit to do in the morning.
I can't sleep.
I've got this knot in the pit of my stomach. My mind is racing on things that only make it worse. I can't seem to shut any of it out.
I'm scared.
Overtaken by anxiety.
Yes, I've felt this before. This horrible sense of dread. This sense of impending doom. The impatience at the inevitable.
Fuck.
What the hell is my problem? Am I a glutton for punishment? Do I enjoy being hurt? Why do I allow this stuff to even be a possibility?
Short answer: I can't help being an optimist.
I can't help but think, maybe this time will be different.
And so now... I'm wide awake. Shivering. Twitching. Unable to think anything but worst-case scenarios.
Help.
Stop the world. I want off.
Somewhere inside there's a little boy that holds onto the smallest glimmerings of hope.
Too bad he's overwhelmed by the rest.
Shouted over. Drowned out by paranoia, anxiety, defensiveness.
Knee-jerk reactions to phantoms and ghosts.
Shit, I don't have anything concrete in which to place these feelings. Only the vague idea that she'll be the same as those before.
What the hell is wrong with me. I need to ease back. I need to give her a chance.
Yes. Don't react without just cause.
I won't. (I hope)
But... what about how I feel? I still have to deal with it. (I can't) I still have to cope (I can't) I have to put these fears behind me (I can't) I have to move on (I'm trying) I have to stop this (I can't)
Breathe. I will do this. I will get through this. One way, or another. I am stronger than this.
I... will... find a way.
current mood: Scared out of my mind.
current music: Silence. Cold, dead, silence. (3 comments |comment on this)
|
11:09a - Sleep - The mini-death, only... not.
Thank you one and all for caring. Waking up this morning, its a really nice surprise to see.
Yeah, after a sleep I'm feeling quite a bit better. Also, due to my impeccable idiosyncratic timing, as I was finishing that entry last night, she popped online. That helped. Bigtime. While it didn't immediately pacify me, it certainly gave me something more positive to think about.
Yeah, I think she's definately gonna be different. This pleases me greatly. I've wanted someone like this for quite some time. Hell, it looks like this is turning out to be the first "normal" relationship I've ever had. Funny how that works.
Yep, she's not thousands of miles away. Its looking like she's not a complete psycho. I haven't seen any ulterior motives. She doesn't seem to be in it just for the sex.
Yeah, I think I can handle this.
Also, I think after tonight I'll be a lot less paranoid. I must remember that...
Everything is going to be... OK.
Hehehe... I miss OK Soda. Such a great marketing campaign.
Anyhow. I'm off to hang out at work (on my day off) for a couple hours. Yay meetings. Then, I go to buy more computer hardware.
mmmm... *drool* computer parts.
After today, my computer is going to be a tiny god.
So, a big thank you to all of you. I really appreciate it. I wouldn't trade friends like you for anything. You're all wonderful.
Don't sweat the petty things.
Just pet the sweaty things.
current mood: sleepy, but calm.
current music: RantRadio - www.rantradio.com (comment on this)
|
8:18p - Fuckin' crap.
Oh goddammit.
I swap a simple cpu. Replace just a few million transistors, and what happens?
My fuckin' power supply decides to roast itself and emit this wonderful acrid scent that tells me that it has had enough and can't take it anymore.
This is irritating.
Argh.
As for the whole female situation. I really don't know what to say.
As per usual, things that I though would be halfway normal, aren't. Though, I think I've figured out what I'm gonna do.
Its about the only thing I really can do. Its the one thing I've never been good at.
I'm going to sit back, chill, and see what happens.
She's very cool. Hanging out with her is a blast. We seem to see things much the same way. So, when we're together its really nice to get a very complementary viewpoint.
Though, she's realizing that life has more to it than she thought. She enjoys it, but realizes that this means she must rethink many things. Including her direction in life.
So... all I can do is wait 'till the smoke clears. Be here as best I can, and just... wait.
Blah. Waiting wouldn't be so bad if it didn't mean that snuggling won't be an option for quite a while.
Yeah, its probably selfish of me to look at it like that... but... I really don't want sex. I don't want a lot of things... just... a small amount of affection.
Ah well. I figure, if things turn out well... I'll have plenty of snuggling to make me happy. If things don't turn out well... I'll have exactly what I started with. So, I don't really feel that I've got a whole lot to lose by at least trying.
So... yeah... and I just can't help myself. I do care about her. I want her to be happy. She seems to really enjoy hanging out with me.
What the hell. I won't die if I don't have someone to hold. I've lived this long without it. I can handle dealing with it a bit longer.
I think she's worth it.... as weird as things may be right now.
I think that if I just relax and let things be... they'll work themselves out.
I think that's just what I'm gonna try and do.
I'm also gonna buy a new power supply in the morning and kick this one in the jimmy.
Hooray for my linux box. It will never die. Even if it keeps devouring my hard drives.
Oh... and one more thing...
My head is a wheel!
current mood: thoughtful, but oddly content
current music: Just my friend playing counter-strike and killing shit. (comment on this)
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
wakko's journal